What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 09:21
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Do you usually wear your panties over or under your pantyhose?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do you think this Labour Party is qualified to run our country?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Quasi consequatur unde doloremque saepe ut veritatis.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Comes on , in middle age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Can I fix a fridge leak myself, or should I call a pro?
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do I sometimes hear full conversations when I am alone?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Put me off passion for life!!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ive learnt so much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My family never makes their pension either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I couldn’t, believe it.
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.